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Pearls of Wisdom (or Not?) 11/11/2006
Groucho Marx:
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge
of anatomy.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.
If he says, "Yes, " you know he is a crook.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
My mother loved - she would have given anything ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
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How Many Windows Do You Have Open 11/10/2006
This 86 year old man (we'll call him Sam) got himself
a computer. Sam was a widower and since his wife died had
been spending a lot of his pension money on long distance
calls to his who lived all over the world so he thought
a computer would do the trick and save him some money.
Several months go by and over the course of time he's
called every one of his , each several times, ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
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Computers - Male or Female - "Le" o "La"? 10/12/2006
The French (or Spanish) Lesson
A language teacher was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, nouns unlike their English counterparts
are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. For example: "House"
in French, is feminine as "la maison."
"Pencil" in French, is masculine as "le
crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender ...
4 Comments, 92 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score
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Things We Can Learn From Dogs 10/8/2006
1. never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride
2. allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy
3. when loved ones come home, always run to greet them
4. when it's in your best interest, practise obedience
...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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nuns 10/6/2006
These two nuns were walking to the convent when they noticed
a man following them, Sister logic said let us run fast so
He can't catch us. But it ended up that the man was still
ganing on them. Then sister mathematics said lets seperate
and then he will only be able to catch one of us. So that is
what they did and the man went after sister logic. At the
end of the day they both made it to ...
1 Comments, 91 Views,
12 Votes
,2.62 Score
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don't like 10/6/2006
A man was walking along this steep cliff, when he slipped
and started falling down the hill. He yelled oh God oh God.
And suddenly this little bush caught his fall, but then
the bush started coming out by the roots and then he asked
God why me God Why me. I pay my taxes I take care of my wife and
! There was a big cloud and a voice emenating from it
that said there is some thing about you ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Marriage fact's 8/25/2006
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely
an
...
1 Comments, 52 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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WHY !!! 8/25/2006
These are cute enjoy.
Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on"insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there
are four billion stars, but check when you say
the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue ...
2 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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A Father's Terror 8/25/2006
Dear Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
been
remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
in not
having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but
before
you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further
unless
you are sitting down... Okay?
...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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studerer 8/16/2006
This professor was talking to his students and told them
that man is the only animal that studers their is none other.
A 7 year old girl told him she saw this cat studer one time.
She saw this cat jump across the neighbors fence and the
cat said,
FFFFFFFFF, fffffff, PHhffffffff, but it was to late by
the time the cat said freeaking dog, the pit bull ate him.
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? 8/5/2006
Hold onto you nuts this is no ordinary blow job.
0 Comments, 51 Views,
2 Votes
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Adios Wife! 5/28/2006
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of Chardonnay.
...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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El primer beso 5/27/2006
(Este poema NO es original. Lo vi en una placa hace mas de
2 decadas y aqui lo comparto con ustedes)
Recuerdo el dia
Recuerdo el lugar
Recuerdo la emocion que senti
Al verte junto a mi
Pero hay algo que
no recuerdo bien....
?tu cerraste los ojos tambien?...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
0 Votes
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Calling for help 5/12/2006
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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A JOKE A DAY WILL KEEP YOU HAPPY & GAY! 5/7/2006
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Watch Out if You Go Camping 4/11/2006
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were in the desert. After they
got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ...
0 Comments, 241 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Who is the Man In the Photograph? 4/6/2006
After a long night of making love the
young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed
a framed picture of a good looking man.
The guy began to worry and asked, "Is this your husband?"
"No, silly, " she replied, snuggling up to
him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, not at all, " she said, nibbling away at
his ear.
...
0 Comments, 260 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Mom... Which One Will I Marry ? 3/29/2006
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen
in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. So the next day, he brings three beautiful
women to the home and sits them down on the couch and they
chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, ...
0 Comments, 252 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Old Lady Loves Oranges 3/27/2006
Lulu was a . One day there was a raid and took all
the prostitutes to the police station. They were lined
up outside the station and took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the
street and she was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know
her occupation.
Grandma stopped to said, “Hi Lulu. What are you standing
in line for?
Lulu, ...
0 Comments, 393 Views,
10 Votes
,2.39 Score
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You Just Might Get What You Wish For 3/24/2006
by
Denverhigh
A man walks into a bowling center with a full-grown ostrich
behind him, and says to the deskman, “I’ll have a pair of
lanes, three games for me and size ten shoes, ” and turns
to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same but I have my own special shoes, ” says
the ostrich.
They ...
0 Comments, 150 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Yes, Doctor. I Know what you're Doing. 3/21/2006
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism
goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As
he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what
I'm doing?"
"Yes, " she says, "you're checking
for any abrasions or dermatological ...
4 Comments, 1250 Views,
105 Votes
,6.43 Score
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Life Cycle is backwards! 3/19/2006
I think the life cycle is all backwards . . . You should die
first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy. Collect your pension
and Social Security. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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True Story 3/18/2006
Back just before the first Gulf war of 1990. I was on a track
vehicle with another soldier. We'd known each other
for a few years and knew each others girlfriends. Both of
us had turbulant relationships. So, one night before the
war was to have ensued he looked at me with great sadness
in his eye's and said, "If I don't make it
out of here, tell my girl... I was rich".
0 Comments, 156 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Worst nightmare... 3/15/2006
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing,
when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in
love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young
man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't
understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make
love. At ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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My Kitchen 3/15/2006
One Tuesday evening, two confirmed bachelors were talking
when the conversation eventually drifted from sports
to politics, and then on to cooking.
The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once, but I could
never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?" asked the other
bachelor.
"You said it." the first guy replied. "Every
one of those recipes began the ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Drum Roll Please! 3/15/2006
Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So they can think with an open mind.
Q: What can Life Savers do that man can't?
A: Come in five flavors.
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat,
and the larger ones you mount.
Q: ...
0 Comments, 131 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Papa and Denver Shoot Moose! 3/14/2006
Papa_Chubby and Denver High went on a shooting trip. Both
being very competitive they were determine to outperform
the other by shooting a larger moose. After shooting many
moose each, it was impossible to tell who had shot the biggest
one.
They went to the point where they were to be picked up. The
pilot of the helicopter told them to hop in. They cleared
the mountains
without ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
1 Votes
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Papa_Chubby and Denver High 3/14/2006
Papa_Chubby and Denver High went on a hunting trip. Both
being very competitive they were determine to outperform
the other on getting a larger kill of moose. After having
each bagged a sizeable kill, it was impossible to tell who
had the bigger kill based on antler size or weight. They
went to the rendezvous point where they were to be picked
up.
The pilot of thier plane on ...
2 Comments, 101 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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Its all about the numbers... 3/14/2006
Financial analyst always compare thier findings to someother
criteria, past earnings, earning of competitors to make
a decision about where a company is compared to its past
and its competitors. They are so consumed with this practice
that if you ask an analyst how his wife is, he may reply "compared
to what"?!
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Mistaken Identity 3/14/2006
A drunk returning home, see's a nun hurrying down the
street and knocks her down. He then yells "you don't
feel so tough now, do you Batman"!
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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