A lawyer married a woman.... 6/23/2007|
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How
can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he
kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software ...
24 Comments, 1781 Views,
Yes, Doctor. I Know what you're Doing. 4/24/2007|
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism
goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As
he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what
"Yes, " she says, "you're checking
for any abrasions or dermatological ...
29 Comments, 1250 Views,
Marketing and relationships 6/4/2005|
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a ...
1 Comments, 397 Views,
Ten Commandments of Love 5/23/2005|
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before
me. II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor
badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making
me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
2 Comments, 388 Views,
CLEVER ADVICES 5/5/2006|
...do everything today. Save some mistakes for tomorrow.
...itch all over. Learn to itch where you can scratch.
...put off untill tomorrow what you can't shove onto
someone else's desk.
...try to make people feel at home. If they wanted that,
they'd have stayed there.
THE BEST WAY TO...
...change a woman's mind is ...
5 Comments, 490 Views,
Who wants a raise? 12/2/2005|
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to ...
1 Comments, 321 Views,
Their were some 5th graders being asked by their teacher
to use the word FASCINATE in a sentence. She asked a little blonde girl so She said, "We went
to disney land and I was so fascinated with the whale. The teacher said wrong answer. She then asked Carlito and he said he knew how to say it, My
sister has big sheshe's and she can only FASCINATE
buttons on her blouse. Carlos got in big ...
7 Comments, 190 Views,
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW 8/12/2005|
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions,
and neitherdo we.
9. You have ...
1 Comments, 224 Views,
After being married for 20 years... One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up, " she purred, "and you can
do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted
at the top of her lungs "Honey, pack your bags. I won ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
who said mexicans are simple?
This old man from Texas wanted to make a garden in his back
yard, but he was getting to old for the task/.
He remembered His nefiew Vetho from the pinta
(prison) would always help him with chores.
He decided to write a letter to vetho, and asked him if he
Vetho responded with do not dig up the back yard ...
2 Comments, 182 Views,
what does skin clour have to do with love?? 2/28/2006|
My friend is a native american. She saw this guy in my school
who was a white guy and she saw him and said he was cute. We
all who are her friend went and asked the guy if she was pretty. He
said yea, she's pretty. For few days we were making each
other to talk but the both freaked and didn't. Cause they
were shy. So one day we went to him and said you come and talk with
her, he said ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
What a Woman Wants in a Man 11/22/2008|
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age
22) ----------------------------------- 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32) ...
4 Comments, 75 Views,
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
> > They were determined to
> > make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
> > that would identify them as
> > clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed
> > for a store and bought some
> > really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
> > sunglasses, etc . . .
> > The next morning, they went to the beach, ...
4 Comments, 153 Views,
If you loan a friend $10 and you never see him again. It was
well worth it.
3 Comments, 389 Views,
Blonde Jokes 2/22/2006|
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
2 Comments, 2025 Views,
Appreciate The Differences 1/31/2005|
I personally happen to be a guy. Therefore I am a sort of creature
easily baffled by you other creatures who happen not to
be guys. I admit freely that though I more often than not
appreciate the differences, I only rarely actually understand
them - and then it's usually by accident.
It often seems that guys have a fundamentally far simpler
and more direct approach to life. I ...
2 Comments, 66 Views,
Pickup lines here are some that work and some that dont!! decide yourself 1/23/2005|
Pick up lines are on off the great mysteries of dating,
there are many decisions on what line to use, when to use it and how to use it but none off these questions can i answer but i can give ya some pick up line idea's.
Caution some of these lines arnt suitable for real life use.
Do you have a mirror in your pants?
Because I can see myself down there.
Est-ce que tu parlez francais? ...
2 Comments, 91 Views,
These two nuns were walking to the convent when they noticed
a man following them, Sister logic said let us run fast so
He can't catch us. But it ended up that the man was still
ganing on them. Then sister mathematics said lets seperate
and then he will only be able to catch one of us. So that is
what they did and the man went after sister logic. At the
end of the day they both made it to ...
1 Comments, 91 Views,
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
>Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all
the tests, except there is one
>more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United
>Mujibar said, "I am ready."
>The officer said, "Make a sentence using the
words Green, Pink and Yellow."
1 Comments, 384 Views,
On the first morning of a honeymoon, a young husband got
up and took breakfast to his wife. “There, ” he said. “What
do you think of that?” She gazed at the coffee, bacon, eggs
and toast laid on the tray. “Wonderful, ” she said. “Yes, ”
he said, “and that’s how I want it every morning from now
2 Comments, 55 Views,
The Handy Man 7/16/2007|
The grumbling husband comes home from work. They wife meekly
says "Honey, the refrigerator is sounding funny,
could you take a look at it?" They husband replied
"What do I look like, the Matag man?"
Later than evening, the wife again meekly ask your husband
"Honey, the front porch needs some new boards, it's
about to fall I think. Could you please see if you can fix
it?" They husband ...
2 Comments, 69 Views,
School teacher in the 6th grade asked her students to make
a sentence using the word mushroom
The littlea blonde girl said I can do it. Then she said, We
put mushroom in our salad for lunch.
The teacher asked the little mexican boy and he said he would
give it a try.
My dad said we could not have anyone sleeping over because
we do not have mushroom.
1 Comments, 278 Views,
Computers - Male or Female - "Le" o "La"? 5/21/2007|
The French (or Spanish) Lesson
A language teacher was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, nouns unlike their English counterparts
are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. For example: "House"
in French, is feminine as "la maison."
"Pencil" in French, is masculine as "le
One puzzled student asked, "What gender ...
5 Comments, 92 Views,
Why do blondes like BMW cars? Because it is the easiest one
3 Comments, 283 Views,
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to
sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he
could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's ...
1 Comments, 50 Views,
Husband and Wife fight... 11/7/2005|
A newly wed wife comes out of the shower when her hubby goes
up to her, touches her chest and says "If you firm this
up a bit you wouldn't need to keep using a bra."
She was so hurt she didn't speak to him for a week.
Then one day, while she gets out of the shower, the bone head
husband goes behind her pats her tush and says "If
you firm this up a bit, you wouldn't need to keep using
0 Comments, 488 Views,
Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter 7/11/2008|
Dear (____rejectee's name here____
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention as my Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however,
keep your name on file should an opening become available. ...
3 Comments, 42 Views,
If I Can Make You Smile Then I Got You 2/24/2007|
Humor is one of the most important things in a relationship.
The man or woman usually has more fun with the person who
has a sense of humor, rather then a body of steel. Have you
ever found yourself attracted to someone who just doesn't
fit your profile. You begin to ask yourself why. The answer
to that shouldn't be money or what he or she can do for
me, it should be because of the way he ...
3 Comments, 2652 Views,
chinese names 8/30/2006|
> > Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
> > Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
> > Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
> > Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is
> > this?
> > Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to
> > Annie Wan! It's urgent.
> > Operator: I know you are someone and you want
> > to talk to ...
1 Comments, 73 Views,
A Blonde's Year in Review 11/23/2008|
[hopefully no one who is blonde takes this to heart!]
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels..... Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped ...
4 Comments, 46 Views,
If it sounds too good to be true... 4/4/2007|
You may of heard the expression warning, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." I am here to say that this is true with relationships! If you are thinking I am being paranoid, best of luck with your relationship with that astronaut. At least you were warned!
4 Comments, 47 Views,
The teacher asked the class to make a sentence using LIVER
The little white girl said I made a sandwich with liver and
cheese and it was delicious."
The little black girl said: My daddy told my mom to get some
government cheese and she forgot, so daddy punched her
in the liver.
The mexican boy said, These men were going to violate her
sister and ...
1 Comments, 41 Views,
Only You! 1/21/2005|
You turn me on, you handsome hunk
With your sunken, hairless chest
In your skinny white arms
I feel safe from all harm
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Your beard is long and full of crumbs
From all the fast food there you've dropped
And with your big sloppy kiss,
I know the meaning of bliss
Oh stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
1 Comments, 136 Views,
Marriage fact's 3/6/2007|
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely
1 Comments, 52 Views,
My Flight from Denver 9/3/2009|
MY GIRL, I had a very pleasant dream last night... Enjoy this fantasy.
With the help of American Airlines Special Services Department
at Denver International Airport, I arranged for lotsa roses to be delivered to the
jet-bridge of my flight from Denver to LAX.
Before departing from Denver, I was escorted into the cockpit
by Special Services, Denver, and I asked the Captain to ...
1 Comments, 37 Views,
Meet You in Heaven 7/11/2008|
After a long illness, a woman died and
arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for
Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who
had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings
to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've
1 Comments, 53 Views,
Word Play 1/22/2007|
I'm sitting here fighting off a cold that hit me like
a Mack truck...and got this in an e-mail and I actually cracked
a grin! Enjoy.
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
2 Comments, 55 Views,
Dont leave home without it 6/4/2006|
Make sure you have money to catch a ride home, and pay for
the meal..if you had a person do u this way you would tell
others to be ware!!!
4 Comments, 181 Views,
liver and cheese 2/22/2006|
School teacher asked the class if any one could make a sentence
with liver and cheese.
They asked Brenda, so she said, "My mother made some
sandwiches with liver and cheese."
Then they ask Marcos and he said he give it a try. He said, "Liver
alone cheese mine.
1 Comments, 413 Views,
The truth about men 5/14/2008|
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash
his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry
room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the
"It depends, " I replied. "What does
it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Michigan " And they say blondes are dumb... ...
1 Comments, 35 Views,
This professor was talking to his students and told them
that man is the only animal that studers their is none other.
A 7 year old girl told him she saw this cat studer one time.
She saw this cat jump across the neighbors fence and the
FFFFFFFFF, fffffff, PHhffffffff, but it was to late by
the time the cat said freeaking dog, the pit bull ate him.
1 Comments, 49 Views,
A funny joke combined with a true story for a good laugh. 8/17/2006|
Firstly if you manage to get a woman to click on your message
there's a 10 or 15
message dance before SHE will only call YOU.
Once your on the phone you can use your charm and the BIG MEET
can be 5 to 10 calls away depending on your compatibility.
However, before she if ever gives out her number you are
at her mercy not even knowing if she will ever call again.
If you ...
3 Comments, 89 Views,
Got Gas 3/27/2013|
Why is it everyone makes fun of a big bowl of refried beans,
and nobody says nothing about white milk?
2 Comments, 28 Views,
If they can make you laugh..... 1/27/2011|
Of all the traits people list as necessary for their eventual mate... humor is always near
the top of the list. You have kindness, honesty and usually within the top three: a good sense of humor. Why is this? I think it is because the three listed above are the ones
that endure with time. Even if your partner changes in both
face and body, which they *will* ...
1 Comments, 16 Views,
WHY !!! 3/6/2007|
These are cute enjoy.
Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on"insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there
are four billion stars, but check when you say
the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue ...
2 Comments, 62 Views,
Papa_Chubby and Denver High 3/15/2006|
Papa_Chubby and Denver High went on a hunting trip. Both
being very competitive they were determine to outperform
the other on getting a larger kill of moose. After having
each bagged a sizeable kill, it was impossible to tell who
had the bigger kill based on antler size or weight. They
went to the rendezvous point where they were to be picked
The pilot of thier plane on ...
2 Comments, 101 Views,
How Can You Tell If Your Man Wants to Marry You in the Future? 7 Ways to Know It for Sure 9/16/2012|
It can be very difficult to see where your future is headed,
especially when you are attempting to determine the nature
of the long term possibilities of your relationship. There
are however a few things you can observe in your man's
behavior that will help you understand his plans. Quality Vs. Quantity in Regards to Your Time With the development of a serious relationship, the man
begins to ...
1 Comments, 35 Views,
A school teacher was having a problem with constapation,
but she told her class not to worry she would work it out with
5 Comments, 50 Views,
A teacher is explaining biogy to her 1st grade studets.
"Human beings are the only animalsthat stutter"
A little girl raises her hand.
" I had a kitty-cat who stuttered" she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precios some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the inciden.
"well" she began , "I was in the back yard ...
2 Comments, 30 Views,
The Diet 3/6/2007|
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office
crying and claims that she has tried every possible way
to lose weight, all to no avail. She continues to sob,
"My husband won't make love to me any more. My
friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just
can't take it any more!"
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet, ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
The State's Dichotomy 2/27/2006|
The State is conflicted. It doesn't want to be a n exectutioner,
but has no problem being a gay dungeon master.
2 Comments, 165 Views,
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders
1 Comments, 124 Views,
Too Young 4 ME 12/19/2008|
How do you know when someone is too immature for you? I know
that age is SOMETIMES only a # but when the other person is
"acting" their age --- What do you do????? When they text you 20 times a day even when you don't
respond and even when you tell them to stop. When you haven't even been on a date, or kissed, or gotten
passed a hug and they are already "text stalking"!!
At this point age is no ...
4 Comments, 29 Views,
don't like 3/6/2007|
A man was walking along this steep cliff, when he slipped
and started falling down the hill. He yelled oh God oh God.
And suddenly this little bush caught his fall, but then
the bush started coming out by the roots and then he asked
God why me God Why me. I pay my taxes I take care of my wife and
kids! There was a big cloud and a voice emenating from it
that said there is some thing about ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
The old lady and the bank president. 3/6/2007|
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account
and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because,
she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client
is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
The president of ...
1 Comments, 24 Views,
Does smoking cause cancer or it is a dillusion of grandeur.
Most habitual smokers agree you will live up to 90 years
of age like their grandparents
1 Comments, 202 Views,
Tiffany was riding SANTA's pony when she asked SANTA
about "ALFONSO" who had the inside of his ears
poka-dot-tattooed by a Brazillian ho who fed him Rum &
Tequila in her cat's food dish, and he got drunk as skunk
and passed out( and he was only a mouse). ALFONSO was shanghaied
onto a Brazil banana & coffee boat; where he fell into
a vat of(make 'em look like ...
1 Comments, 126 Views,
Abbott and Costello Discover Computers 3/6/2007|
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello,
and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's
on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
1 Comments, 17 Views,
Dogs letters to God 3/6/2007|
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not
ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?
1 Comments, 10 Views,
The Putt 3/6/2007
A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches
explains that the member who brought her to the club for
a round of
golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the
she can join them.
1 Comments, 23 Views,